If Palin Were A Lesbian
Today the question was posed in a column: What if Sarah Palin were a lesbian?

Driven by this question (and because I have an odd and twisted sense of humor), I felt it necessary, nay compelling, to consider this in song. As such, I present "If Palin Were A Lesbian," with original credit to Fiddler on the Roof.

[PALIN]
"Dear God, you made many, many straight people.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be straight.
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I was a lesbian?"

If I were a bull dyke,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a lesbian.
I wouldn't have to date guys.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy gay,
flaming-dlaming-daming-daming woman.

I'd hit on tall strong women with guns by the dozen,
Right in the middle of the town.
A fine woman with real army boots below.
There would be one large tattoo just going up,
And one even longer coming down,
And one more leading nowhere, just for show.

I'd fill my yard with moose and rainbows and cats and trucks
For the town to see and hear.
(Insert)Beeping just as noisily as they can. (End Insert)
With each loud "dyke" "butch" "fag" "queer"
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say "Here lives a lesbian."

If I were a bull dyke,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a lesbian.
I wouldn't have to date guys.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy gay,
flaming-dlaming-daming-daming woman.

I see my wife, my Ellen, looking very masculine
With a proper crew cut.
Supervising gym to her heart's delight.
I see her putting on airs and strutting like a peacock.
Oy, what a happy mood she's in.
Screaming at the students, day and night.

The most important gays in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to advise them,
Like k.d. lang.
"If you please, Sarah Palin..."
"Pardon me, Sarah Palin..."
Posing problems that would cross a therapist's eyes!

And it won't make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong.
When you're gay, they think you really know!

If I were gay, I'd have the time that I lack
To sit in the leather bar and cruise.
And maybe have a seat by the bathroom wall.
And I'd discuss the new sports scores with the bookies, seven hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were a bull dyke,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy bum.
If I were a lesbian.
I wouldn't have to date guys.
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.

Lord who made the lion and the lamb,
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
If I were a lesbian?

(Also seen in the aforementioned column: Hunting moose and watching NASCAR is a lifestyle choice just like being gay!)