InsaneJournal

It Came Upon A Midnight Clear!
So, the not-so-sekrit project is finally revealed! The parody Christmas carol "album" - "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear!"

My inspiration came from being forced to endure "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" in the local Deals when the anachronistic nature of the song struck me. Hopalong boots and pistols, really? Thus, for my own amusement I did a modern update of "Beginning." This sparked an entire mini-project: rewriting/repossessing Christmas carols around various themes. Some are better than others, and one or two are fairly serious. Originally, I planned to do ten carols, but my sudden flu-like illness and delirious fever dreams had other plans. So instead I post the seven songs I did complete sans commentary.

Cover:


It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go
Take a look in the Dollar Tree,
Glistening once again
With Chinese-made lawn ornaments aglow.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Wars in ev'ry store
But the prettiest sight to see
Is the BillO that will be
On your own T-V.

A pair of Converse Hightops and a new makeup kit
Is the wish of Barney and Ben
Games that will shoot and will blow up Beirut
Is the hope of Janice and Jen
And Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Ev'rywhere you go
Fundie boycotts of the Grand Hotel,
One of the park as well
The sturdy kind that don't mind the sneers.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Soon the bells will start
And the thing that will make them ring
Is the worker that you see
Right outside Wal-Mart.

-

Presents piled beneath the tree,
Fear hanging at your heels,
Which one is that dreaded gift,
the ugly Christmas sweater?

Everybody knows grandparents pick awful clothes,
Lacking any sense of taste.
Teen-agers who shop at The Gap,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that sweater's on its way;
It's loaded with kittens and puppies in a sleigh.
And every mother's child is going to spy,
To see if cameras are waiting nearby.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although it's been said many times, many ways,
Just smile and say thank you!

-

I really can't stay - Baby it's cold outside
I've got to go away - Baby it's cold outside
This evening has been - Been hoping they'd take it well
So very hard - It's all my fault, shoulda been on guard
My mother is so old-fashioned - Beautiful, why such passion
My father keeps pacing the floor - I know that he shouldn't roar
This puts me all in a fury - Beautiful, please don't hurry
I'll wait just a half an hour more - Think before you shut that door

The neighbors might think - Baby, it's bad out there
Love, I'm at the brink - No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how - Trust me, it's a painful time
To break this spell - We'll make it through, this emotional hell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir - Mind if I move a little closer
At least I'm gonna say that I tried - Few parents take outing in stride
I really can't stay - Baby, please hold out
Baby, it's cold outside

I simply must go - Baby, it's cold outside
The answer is no - Ooh baby, it's cold outside
This weekend has been - They can call it a sin
So difficult -- You'd think they weren't grown adults
My sister will be suspicious - But she's never been especially vicious
My brother will be there at the door - you'll need a supportive shore
My maiden aunt's mind is vicious - She's always been malicious
Well maybe just a half an hour more - Never such a blizzard before

I've got to go home - Oh, baby, you'll freeze out there
Say, lend me your comb - It's up to your knees out there
You've really been grand - I felt I had to take a stand
But don't you see - No one can know what the future will be
There's bound to be talk tomorrow - Making their life long sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied - I see no reason to hide
I really can't stay - Get over that old out
Ahh, but it's cold outside

Baby it's cold outside

-

Jingles we have heard on high,


Singing sweetly through the aisles,
And the shoppers in reply
Echoing their joyous song.

Refrain:
Dee-eee-eee-eeep discounts on all merchandise!
Dee-eee-eee-eeep discounts on all merchandise!

Shoppers, why this jubilee?
Why these long check-out lines?
What the advertisements be
Which inspire your clogging throng? Refrain

Come to your Wal-Mart and see
Him whose toy the children want;
Come, adore on bended knee
the last Power Ranger left. Refrain

See him in a pile hid
Behind racks of GI Joes;
Floor Worker, lend your aid,
While we search for Naruto. Refrain

-

Silent night, holy night,
All is calm, all is bright
Medidtating under the tree.
Blessed Buddha opens the mind,
Guide us on the Way.
Guide us on the Way.

Silent night, holy night,
Minds open, lotus blooms,
Samsara is broken,
Enlightenment achieved;
Cease all suffering!
Cease all suffering!

Silent night, holy night,
Mother dreamt digging in
White elephant with six tusks,
A sign of his blessed birth,
Buddha, Lord, at thy birth.
Buddha, Lord, at thy birth.

-

Let all undead flesh keep silence
And with hunger shuffle by;
Ponder nothing fleshly minded,
For with brains in his hand
Christ our Zombie Lord shambling
Comes our brainmeats to demand.

Freshest meat not decomposing,
As of old on earth he stood,
Tasty bits in edible vesture,
In the body and the blood,
He will give to all the faithful
His own self for zombie food.

Rank on rank the shuffling masses
Spreads it vanguard on the way
As the Flesh of Flesh, ascending
From the graves rotting away,
That the spicy brainmeats he consume
fills his hunger this day.

At his feet the George A. Romero,
Max Brooks with sleepless eye,
Veil their faces to the presence
As with ceaseless voice they cry:
"Alleluia, alleluia! Alleluia, Zombie Most High!"

-

I saw three ships come sailing in
in Avatar, in Avatar;
I saw three ships come sailing in
in Avatar in the first ep.

And who was in those ships all three,
in Avatar, in Avatar?
And who was in those ships all three,
in Avatar in the first ep?

Katara, Zuko and Aang were there,
in Avatar, in Avatar;
Katara, Zuko and Aang were there,
in Avatar in the first ep.